The Words We Use

message and image from Martin Firrell

I’ve written about this before, but the topic waved at me again recently. The things we say to each other matter, especially when we are engaged in what we hope can be relationship-altering conversations. Our choice of words matter very much. There are words that should not be used together, especially when the goal of the conversation is to come to a place of respect, if not understanding.

For example:  ”The problem” followed by “with you”.  ”You” followed by “fail”.  ”You always”…”You never”…..Stringing these words together is like loading a gun with bullets and firing. These combinations are the surest way to wage war and, at the very least, to inflict cracks in your relationship. Stay away from them. I believe that words can be used to build and destroy, and once you use them to destroy, it is very, very difficult to come to a place of respect again. Ever.

It is productive to speak only from “I”. It’s really simple. You speak for yourself only, so you avoid making judgments and generalizations about your partner that will only offend. When you speak from your own point-of-view, you do not cross boundaries, you do not assume things about anyone else. You really can only speak for yourself. So do it.

Improve the words. Be mindful of how you choose and say them, and then see how they can be used to build and heal.