The last few years have been an emotional rollercoaster ride–the kind that threw me in repetitive cycles of unexpected joy and sadness. It was not a place I wanted to be, considering what I had already been through, yet there I was again. Despite the pain, I was thankful for the years of experience that created the fertile ground on which I could now stand: in sorrow, yes, but also in quiet strength. In it was the wisdom to ask: what do I need to learn? What is love asking of me? During that last plunge into grief, I knew I finally had to accept the inevitable because big lessons were bursting forth and I no longer wanted to deny them entry. Love was asking me to honor the promise I had made to myself–to spend time alone, free of romantic entanglement. There was work to do and my heart could no longer withstand the postponement.
When I put my resolve right at the center of that, all sorts of messages arrived. Within weeks, I was enrolled in a coach training to help people consciously uncouple. I knew that my heartbreak had to count for something in the world and the only way through was to offer it in the service of healing. From that moment on, my life took a different turn. I activated my HeartMath coaching practice. The work I was doing for others demanded I do the work on myself. It was tough at times, but I soon found myself becoming stronger, softer, clearer.
At a recent conference, I had the privilege of sitting beside an exceptional human being who has done the world a great service through his phenomenal work in architecture. We were virtual strangers, but we shared space on an energetic level that was very moving. It was frightening, strange, but also tender and powerful. I decided not to judge it. I would make no conclusions around it. Later, thousands of miles apart, we exchanged thoughts and impressions on this co-created experience. What we are discovering is so touching–how two people can create a space for being that is not defined nor bound by the usual norms and constraints. Did we create it or were we simply awake to it? Both? In this conversation, I find evidence that all my heartwork is indeed opening up internal spaces previously unavailable to me. For once the idea of romance seems limited and mundane! All of a sudden, I feel I have been given the key to explore other realms of objective feeling and I am excited about this and grateful, so grateful, to discover that love is truly everywhere if we cultivate the quiet sense to recognize it and keep the space open without judgment, need or desire. I am thrilled to discover and explore what is trying to emerge in this new and blessed space!
I am reaping the benefits of a decision to harvest all the gifts of my personal difficulties in the service of others. Not that I wasn’t already doing that before, however I could and however I was called to, but this is new territory. For the first time, I have consciously chosen to work through my heart and see myself as author of my experiences. I am in the throes of a very powerful transformation and can say with great humility, “This is what I came here to do.”
“I don’t at all understand the mystery of grace–only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.” – Anne Lamott