During my recent foray into darkness, I took online courses with spiritual teachers whose work and contributions consistently stretch my perspective. Their wisdom and generosity put me back on track with my own practice. I was drawn to people who were on their own conscious journey and automatically detached from those who clouded my view. This was not a premeditated act where I thought of every person in my life and chose who I could continue to see, but there was a shift in me. If a name came up, I noticed myself reacting, sometimes rather strongly: yay or nay. I just went with it. Events showed me a different way. I dusted off particles that had dulled my shine. I came out of this time vibrating at a different frequency.
I have become very sensitive to what I need and find myself currently unable to share space with specific individuals. I am a gaping wound to their salt. Much as my rational mind wants to be inclusive, the mere thought causes physical sensations in my gut and solar plexus: I recoil. Accommodation leads to resentment and I am done creating that. My pre-journey self might have given in, but not this newly birthed one. I have decided to listen to myself and honor what I am feeling. I no longer want to fall into the cycle of foregoing self care in order to do what is “right” for others but not for me. Now and then circumstances arise that allow me to check myself on this subject. So far I am still in stay away mode. A recent encounter brought home the message: It is not yet time.
I am calibrating into this new energetic space I have entered, and it means maintaining my distance from energies that no longer belong. It doesn’t mean I am unappreciative of what these relationships meant and brought when they fit; it simply means I am very different today and I have to give myself time and space to come into the new me without being pulled back by nostalgia, or another’s idea of what should be. Maybe it’s temporary. Perhaps I am not yet at that point where I can be in the same space and be totally myself. All I know is I can’t and won’t fake it and I can’t abide unnecessary complications. Where before I could let irritants slide and slide some more, today I am done. Maybe it’s that I am “newly formed” and my deeper self is telling me to gain more footing and time.
Life is fluid. Relationships are constantly changing. We must keep evolving as well. When there is turmoil and pain, it is mostly because we are resisting the changes or avoiding the view that is showing us new direction. It is scary after all. Evolution brings change and loss, and most people think that should be avoided at all costs, but I have learned it is a matter of perspective. This is, in fact, is when we must pay the most attention. What are the changes telling us about ourselves and the inner work we need to do? Our task is to stop looking at what others “have done to us” and instead stay open, authentic, acknowledge our feelings and get comfortable with the messages.
The new you will not always fit in the old compartments of your life. Sentimentality won’t make it right, but leaving space for any possibility is part of the muscle we can maintain to stay flexible through life’s ever-changing tides.