What is it they say about being tested the minute we commit to living out of our spiritual convictions?
Well, I have been committing to many lately, so I suppose I was due. Just when I published a post about finding grace where I am, I had an encounter with a well-meaning friend who chatted with me about the changes in my life, asked pointed questions, listened well, and then mindlessly said he was now adjusting his view of me. He actually made gestures with his hands going diagonally down from an invisible pedestal. I could only be thankful I was never actually on it.
I told him I believe everyone has a thematic lesson they need to learn per lifetime. For some the subject is around money, career, health, family, and for me it is clearly in the realm of male-female love. There are lessons there I need to learn that I haven’t or am slow to get to. I know that and I am working on it (with much effort and mindfulness these days), but just in this last month I have awakened to some pretty clear reflections that I am excited about. I admitted that the true test would be in practice, if I ever find myself in relationship again. He looked at me with doubt and a little pity, nodding his head for good measure.
Then the conversation moved to living spaces. I am re-decorating my room and felt that to be a gift–to have the means and imagination to make my personal living space new and all mine at this juncture in my life! What started there ended in a critique of my home, the architect I had chosen (apparently not a good one), the too-many corners, this and that space being less than it should be. I finally said, “Hey, it’s all good. I like my home, despite the usual and unusual problems. I am happy here.”
I hold this experience in a new space within me that immediately inquires : What is the lesson here? What is being asked? I made every effort to detach from the personality and stopped myself from spiralling into the gravitational pull of this negativity. Instead, I unspooled myself from this unbidden tether and swam upwards where the air is clear and the light plentiful. This is simply a test of my resolve, of how firmly I can stand with these tender shoots of self-knowledge I still have to nurture and grow, without needing to prove it to someone else. I still need help in that area; I found myself a little defensive in trying to explain that I am okay, I am learning, I am not a failure, I am evolving and I am where I need to be. I don’t need to do that. He can think anything, even sit in judgment of me, if that is the energy he wants to marinate in. I don’t have to accept it nor be there with him. I was not going to turn away from all the goodness and gratitude I was feeling.
So when I did my Heartmath meditation before bed, I sent him love, the way I have been doing with people and situations I have had challenges and pain with. This is not easy work, but I feel it is one endeavor that fills all my cracks with golden light and builds bridges in places we can’t reach in physical space.
I am but a student of life with countless lessons to learn. I have lost my way but I am back on the path with renewed vigor. This I can say with my whole heart: I show up for all my classes, even if the rooms are hardly ever sunlit affairs. Last night, I took deep breaths and chose love. I chose to acknowledge all the work I continue to do with myself every single day. I massaged my heart area and let my breath bring me to that special space of coherence. I put my friend and all his sentiments in the center of this peace and let it all go.
There is only imperfection here and it is all good.