Jun 182016
 

I’ve been fighting the rumblings of a cough. Then Orlando. Rain. My mind said workout, but my body said something else.

It is so like life to have you in a space of total lightness and optimism one moment and then test you a hundredfold the next, as if to say “Think you got it figured out? Well, let’s see how you fare with this….” Boom. So many dead and injured. So much hatred and pain.

Of course I want to dig my heels further into my optimism and hope for humanity, have my light burn ever more brightly so I can ray it forth with stars, rainbows, silly emoticons, superhuman love powers. Ever more brightly. Ever more brightly. But one can’t do that without pausing, gathering, recalibrating, feeling.

I needed quiet and stillness, tenderness, self-kindness. I gave myself time and space to breathe, lean, burrow. I let myself feel the pain, disappointment, shock, grief, sadness, terror–for the kind of world I brought my children into and the monumental task of birthing the kind of love we have never known before. And let myself feel my place in it. My possibilities in it. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 7:53 am
Jun 122016
 

What a beautiful morning for a walk. I almost rush outside to catch the sun’s kindest rays. As soon as I shut the gate behind me, I am lost in a flow of memories: of recent walks along cool, shady trails, blooming wild flowers, dogs frolicking on the beach, and the naked man running on the sand, seconds away from entering the frame of a young couple’s photo.  I see all the different landscapes I didn’t realize I had grown to love so much. I remember a window through which I always peeked–all kinds of white plates hanging on the dining room wall. I feel my hands inside my pockets, seeking warmth. I feel them lovingly held.

But I am no longer there. I take myself firmly back to the present, my legs beginning to sweat, my feet on hot pavement. At that moment, I summon appreciation for this place, my current home. I have been in a state of disappointment and restlessness, looking out into the world for some place else to live, then realize I am being shown it is not time for that yet. The universe has not moved with me on this intention; instead, obstacles–external and internal–keep presenting themselves. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 8:56 am
Jan 162016
 

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If you follow this blog, you already know that 2014 was a year of change and 2015, of reckoning. I spent the first half of this year creating the new spiritual body that would be home to all these now wonderful changes, but the road was full of unexpected twists and turns–an obstacle course of the inner life.

In January, I was glad to be alone and looking forward to what it would mean. Then all of a sudden I was thrust into a heaven I never could have imagined. Just as swiftly, I was pulled out and thrown into an abyss.  I plunged into a level of sadness I could not hold. I cried. Wrote and cried. Lived on Netflix and cried. Ate chips, bacon, dark chocolate (the last to assure myself I was still eating well). And cried. I gave myself that time because deep change often brings grief, which must express itself fully before the new can take hold.  I so wanted to get to that place and I knew it was important not to cut corners. So I let grief be.  Continue reading »

 Posted by at 9:16 am
Oct 202015
 
"Down the Rabbit Hole" by Manbearpagan on DeviantArt

“Down the Rabbit Hole” by Manbearpagan on DeviantArt

During my recent foray into darkness, I took online courses with spiritual teachers whose work and contributions consistently stretch my perspective. Their wisdom and generosity put me back on track with my own practice. I was drawn to people who were on their own conscious journey and automatically detached from those who clouded my view. This was not a premeditated act where I thought of every person in my life and chose who I could continue to see, but there was a shift in me. If a name came up, I noticed myself reacting, sometimes rather strongly: yay or nay. I just went with it. Events showed me a different way. I dusted off particles that had dulled my shine. I came out of this time vibrating at a different frequency. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 10:13 am
Aug 152015
 

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They have been everywhere for me lately.

A few weeks ago, she came in the form of a heartfelt text message from a friend I hardly see. Her message said, “I’m feeling you, sister. Is everything ok?” She was an unexpected life raft that day and she didn’t even know it. We decided it was time to make good on our constant “lets-get-togethers”.  She chose a nice place to eat and made me laugh. We had a great time connecting and hugged each other with much appreciation when we parted. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 4:24 pm
Aug 102015
 

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What is it they say about being tested the minute we commit to living out of our spiritual convictions?

Well, I have been committing to many lately, so I suppose I was due. Just when I published a post about finding grace where I am, I had an encounter with a well-meaning friend who chatted with me about the changes in my life, asked pointed questions, listened well, and then mindlessly said he was now adjusting his view of me. He actually made gestures with his hands going diagonally down from an invisible pedestal. I could only be thankful I was never actually on it.  Continue reading »

 Posted by at 5:13 pm
Aug 082015
 

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Weekends. When the rest of the world is out doing, I am home being.

I say a prayer upon rising then amble down to the kitchen to make my coffee concoction. I smile at all the jars of extra nutrition I put into it, amused at the potion it has become. More often than not a wistful memory surfaces around this ritual. I let it come. On other days, I am inclined to discipline myself about certain emotions that sometimes threaten to rule. But on weekends, we have the luxury of sitting together until I can send them gently on their way. Then I throw open the doors and windows, welcome air and light into my home, feeling every part of me finally waking up. I sit on the lanai chair that  gives me the best view of my garden and sip my morning elixir. Already I am in a space of gratitude for this home and life I am so very fortunate to have. I walk barefoot on the grass and stand in the middle of my space on this earth. I take in the ground beneath me, receive the sky above me and feel myself right at the center of their generosity. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 10:47 am
Jul 262015
 

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My previous post earned a conversation with a concerned friend who thought I might be clinically depressed or suffering from concealed depression (aha, a brand new disease !). Like I said in the post, I am not prone to depression, but this does not mean I have not felt despair, sadness and grief. I have. I am somewhere in that well now, but slowly finding my way back to the surface.

Now, I know myself, but I also like to guard against denial. I went online after we hung up and read several articles on depression, even took a few quizzes, enough to confirm what I already know: I’m just sad, and I know it’s something that comes with my life experiences of late. If I went into detail, you would agree that it is a very sad time, indeed. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 4:32 pm
Jul 182015
 
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photo from flowersavenue.com

I have been underwater lately; it has been a year of tough lessons and unexpected reckoning. I am not prone to depression, not one to wallow, but these days levity and laughter are elsewhere. Humor has always been my fall back, reliable beacon, my go-to-light at the end of all of life’s tunnels. But not this time. Still, I refuse to accept it has abandoned me.

On a morning when I could barely keep my head above water, I noticed a family of three walking–sisters and their father. As my car passed them, he flashed a smile at my tinted window. He didn’t mean to, I think; It was already there. It was relaxed, content, full of quiet joy.

A short distance later I saw a boy of about four aiming his face at the breeze just beyond the family car window. On him I saw radiant joy and certainty, as if he knew it would always be his.

Joy. It is everywhere. There will be moments when it will elude you, when you will feel it has left, but on that day I learned the next best thing–to look outside and find it there. For now it is outside you, and it is enough to know it is within reach.

 Posted by at 1:43 pm
Feb 162015
 

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I recently had a talk with my godson about marriage. His friends seem to be diving in, left and right, and he’s having to fly to different places to attend weddings and christenings. Part of him was feeling a little odd being one of two in his group who is still single, but it was clear he had many questions about the institution. I told him I had as many and feel marriage to be painfully outdated given our present context.

We are different human beings today, evolving towards becoming more and more ourselves (hopefully), so more and more marriages are ending up torn and frayed, if not completely shattered. Religion certainly has not helped in this area. There is much talk about fidelity, forever, sin, morality, God, but not much about the necessary and spiritual evolution of the self, and how this can happen authentically within the same space. Isn’t this what marriage can be–a conscious spiritual endeavour, the nurturing of shared space that allows each individual freedom and self-actualization over time, the recognition and honoring of each other’s essence, learning to love in truth, first ourselves and then another? I move towards these points each time I think about marriage and all its possibilities. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 7:36 pm