Apr 272017
 

I have been away from this space for so long; each time I think of writing, I whip out my journal and do it there instead. It has been a season of intense self-reflection. All my public words went into hibernation. But I feel able enough to let my words reach out again and I hope they are of some use or solace to you.

This is not just me. I suspect we are all struggling over how our external reality has shifted. The world feels noisy, much of its sound more baffling than enlightening.  Nothing is the same. It takes more effort to find that quiet voice of sense and equanimity online. Part of me doesn’t want to add to the chatter, but I also know how important it is to quit telling myself I have nothing of value to add to the conversation, should others seek it. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 3:06 pm
Jul 182016
 
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You won’t be smiling like her and you really won’t be saving anything.

 

I know. This is a weird post, considering I mostly write about the interior life. Consider it community service!

I am a frequent shipper of stuff, yes I am, so I’m always looking out for practical and efficient door-to-door service. When I first heard of the LBC Shippingcart, I thought it might be worth trying. What I liked most was their online interface, which I thought would help the process along on both ends. There would be no mix-ups about stuff as both parties would have a record. I gave it a go. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 12:00 pm
Jun 182016
 

I’ve been fighting the rumblings of a cough. Then Orlando. Rain. My mind said workout, but my body said something else.

It is so like life to have you in a space of total lightness and optimism one moment and then test you a hundredfold the next, as if to say “Think you got it figured out? Well, let’s see how you fare with this….” Boom. So many dead and injured. So much hatred and pain.

Of course I want to dig my heels further into my optimism and hope for humanity, have my light burn ever more brightly so I can ray it forth with stars, rainbows, silly emoticons, superhuman love powers. Ever more brightly. Ever more brightly. But one can’t do that without pausing, gathering, recalibrating, feeling.

I needed quiet and stillness, tenderness, self-kindness. I gave myself time and space to breathe, lean, burrow. I let myself feel the pain, disappointment, shock, grief, sadness, terror–for the kind of world I brought my children into and the monumental task of birthing the kind of love we have never known before. And let myself feel my place in it. My possibilities in it. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 7:53 am
Aug 152015
 

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They have been everywhere for me lately.

A few weeks ago, she came in the form of a heartfelt text message from a friend I hardly see. Her message said, “I’m feeling you, sister. Is everything ok?” She was an unexpected life raft that day and she didn’t even know it. We decided it was time to make good on our constant “lets-get-togethers”.  She chose a nice place to eat and made me laugh. We had a great time connecting and hugged each other with much appreciation when we parted. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 4:24 pm
Aug 102015
 

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What is it they say about being tested the minute we commit to living out of our spiritual convictions?

Well, I have been committing to many lately, so I suppose I was due. Just when I published a post about finding grace where I am, I had an encounter with a well-meaning friend who chatted with me about the changes in my life, asked pointed questions, listened well, and then mindlessly said he was now adjusting his view of me. He actually made gestures with his hands going diagonally down from an invisible pedestal. I could only be thankful I was never actually on it.  Continue reading »

 Posted by at 5:13 pm
Jul 262015
 

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My previous post earned a conversation with a concerned friend who thought I might be clinically depressed or suffering from concealed depression (aha, a brand new disease !). Like I said in the post, I am not prone to depression, but this does not mean I have not felt despair, sadness and grief. I have. I am somewhere in that well now, but slowly finding my way back to the surface.

Now, I know myself, but I also like to guard against denial. I went online after we hung up and read several articles on depression, even took a few quizzes, enough to confirm what I already know: I’m just sad, and I know it’s something that comes with my life experiences of late. If I went into detail, you would agree that it is a very sad time, indeed. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 4:32 pm
Feb 162015
 

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I recently had a talk with my godson about marriage. His friends seem to be diving in, left and right, and he’s having to fly to different places to attend weddings and christenings. Part of him was feeling a little odd being one of two in his group who is still single, but it was clear he had many questions about the institution. I told him I had as many and feel marriage to be painfully outdated given our present context.

We are different human beings today, evolving towards becoming more and more ourselves (hopefully), so more and more marriages are ending up torn and frayed, if not completely shattered. Religion certainly has not helped in this area. There is much talk about fidelity, forever, sin, morality, God, but not much about the necessary and spiritual evolution of the self, and how this can happen authentically within the same space. Isn’t this what marriage can be–a conscious spiritual endeavour, the nurturing of shared space that allows each individual freedom and self-actualization over time, the recognition and honoring of each other’s essence, learning to love in truth, first ourselves and then another? I move towards these points each time I think about marriage and all its possibilities. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 7:36 pm
May 022014
 
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ILLUSION

I’m so tempted to post a candid, really horrid photo of me here, just to prove a point.  I almost did, until I saw the scratches on my arm, blemishes on my face, remembered how I over-trimmed my eyebrows and well,  I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I was also at my heaviest (not pregnant), my hair was limp and unstyled, and of course I had the worst expression ever: bored, zero energy, definitely anemic–basically, an unthreatening zombie. I could not post it. Not even for that point. I have to say that I look more like that most days before, during and after obsessively scrubbing my shower stall, cooking, exercising, doing the laundry, not cleaning my study–just being myself, and not appearing in selfies. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 1:23 pm
Apr 032014
 

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I’ve been very quiet since Yolanda and going through a sort of crisis.  There was so much to do and such incredible noise around it.  All of a sudden volunteerism became all about selfies and narcissistic posts.  I just couldn’t get into the culture.  And that made me look twice at the stuff I write and wonder if there was still space for it in today’s obsession with lists, quizzes, travel posts, witty one-liners and other “look how clever I am” entries.  I rebel at the thought of having to post and promote my own writing.  Then D. said just this morning, “But how else will you do it today ?”.

I honestly don’t know. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 12:59 pm
Oct 102013
 

 

 

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Many years ago, during a particularly difficult time, I was sitting in pained silence as we flew above a sea of flame trees.  I was sinking deeper into despair, even as I found joy in the sea of orange before and below me. Then I heard it: “find your voice”. It was loud enough so that I looked around, only to find that everyone was looking elsewhere. No one was speaking, nor looked as though they had just spoken. Come to think of it, was there really a sound to the message? Maybe not. But it was so clear. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 5:07 pm