panjee

panjee

Jul 182016
 
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You won’t be smiling like her and you really won’t be saving anything.

 

I know. This is a weird post, considering I mostly write about the interior life. Consider it community service!

I am a frequent shipper of stuff, yes I am, so I’m always looking out for practical and efficient door-to-door service. When I first heard of the LBC Shippingcart, I thought it might be worth trying. What I liked most was their online interface, which I thought would help the process along on both ends. There would be no mix-ups about stuff as both parties would have a record. I gave it a go. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 12:00 pm
Jun 182016
 

I’ve been fighting the rumblings of a cough. Then Orlando. Rain. My mind said workout, but my body said something else.

It is so like life to have you in a space of total lightness and optimism one moment and then test you a hundredfold the next, as if to say “Think you got it figured out? Well, let’s see how you fare with this….” Boom. So many dead and injured. So much hatred and pain.

Of course I want to dig my heels further into my optimism and hope for humanity, have my light burn ever more brightly so I can ray it forth with stars, rainbows, silly emoticons, superhuman love powers. Ever more brightly. Ever more brightly. But one can’t do that without pausing, gathering, recalibrating, feeling.

I needed quiet and stillness, tenderness, self-kindness. I gave myself time and space to breathe, lean, burrow. I let myself feel the pain, disappointment, shock, grief, sadness, terror–for the kind of world I brought my children into and the monumental task of birthing the kind of love we have never known before. And let myself feel my place in it. My possibilities in it. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 7:53 am
Jun 122016
 

What a beautiful morning for a walk. I almost rush outside to catch the sun’s kindest rays. As soon as I shut the gate behind me, I am lost in a flow of memories: of recent walks along cool, shady trails, blooming wild flowers, dogs frolicking on the beach, and the naked man running on the sand, seconds away from entering the frame of a young couple’s photo.  I see all the different landscapes I didn’t realize I had grown to love so much. I remember a window through which I always peeked–all kinds of white plates hanging on the dining room wall. I feel my hands inside my pockets, seeking warmth. I feel them lovingly held.

But I am no longer there. I take myself firmly back to the present, my legs beginning to sweat, my feet on hot pavement. At that moment, I summon appreciation for this place, my current home. I have been in a state of disappointment and restlessness, looking out into the world for some place else to live, then realize I am being shown it is not time for that yet. The universe has not moved with me on this intention; instead, obstacles–external and internal–keep presenting themselves. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 8:56 am
Jan 162016
 

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If you follow this blog, you already know that 2014 was a year of change and 2015, of reckoning. I spent the first half of this year creating the new spiritual body that would be home to all these now wonderful changes, but the road was full of unexpected twists and turns–an obstacle course of the inner life.

In January, I was glad to be alone and looking forward to what it would mean. Then all of a sudden I was thrust into a heaven I never could have imagined. Just as swiftly, I was pulled out and thrown into an abyss.  I plunged into a level of sadness I could not hold. I cried. Wrote and cried. Lived on Netflix and cried. Ate chips, bacon, dark chocolate (the last to assure myself I was still eating well). And cried. I gave myself that time because deep change often brings grief, which must express itself fully before the new can take hold.  I so wanted to get to that place and I knew it was important not to cut corners. So I let grief be.  Continue reading »

 Posted by at 9:16 am
Jan 022016
 

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It’s day 2 of 2016. Unlike many who met the day with spanking new outfits and freshly fluffed optimism, I spent day 1 in my pajamas, transitioning into the new year with a touch of internal friction. The night before was fitful at best; there were fireworks too close to my once idyllic and quiet home (yes, I’m one of the weirdos who enjoys meeting the New Year quietly). There was haze where once was clear, unsullied sky. I did not have a peaceful sleep and woke up feeling sluggish and unenthusiastic. The only bright thing ahead were my pink polka dot pajamas. So I stayed in them. All day.

Part of me kept playing back a voice from my childhood that said “if you stay in your pajamas, you will rot in them for all of 2016”, but I’ve reached a point in my life where I can hear it, wink at it, and get on with what I choose, despite its persistent looping. I was having a pajama kind of day and nothing would make me struggle against it. The boys were still away and I had the house to myself, so it was clear what I had to do.  Continue reading »

 Posted by at 5:29 pm
Oct 202015
 
"Down the Rabbit Hole" by Manbearpagan on DeviantArt

“Down the Rabbit Hole” by Manbearpagan on DeviantArt

During my recent foray into darkness, I took online courses with spiritual teachers whose work and contributions consistently stretch my perspective. Their wisdom and generosity put me back on track with my own practice. I was drawn to people who were on their own conscious journey and automatically detached from those who clouded my view. This was not a premeditated act where I thought of every person in my life and chose who I could continue to see, but there was a shift in me. If a name came up, I noticed myself reacting, sometimes rather strongly: yay or nay. I just went with it. Events showed me a different way. I dusted off particles that had dulled my shine. I came out of this time vibrating at a different frequency. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 10:13 am
Aug 302015
 

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I am travelling again.

I sit here in my teenie-weenie hotel room and try to trace the threads of life that brought me to this physical space, right at this moment. This time last year, I was closing a chapter in my life I did not think would end. The year before, my life was coasting along, with barely a hint of the tremors to come. Since then I have been on multiple airplane rides and just as many emotional upheavals. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 2:24 am
Aug 152015
 

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They have been everywhere for me lately.

A few weeks ago, she came in the form of a heartfelt text message from a friend I hardly see. Her message said, “I’m feeling you, sister. Is everything ok?” She was an unexpected life raft that day and she didn’t even know it. We decided it was time to make good on our constant “lets-get-togethers”.  She chose a nice place to eat and made me laugh. We had a great time connecting and hugged each other with much appreciation when we parted. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 4:24 pm
Aug 102015
 

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What is it they say about being tested the minute we commit to living out of our spiritual convictions?

Well, I have been committing to many lately, so I suppose I was due. Just when I published a post about finding grace where I am, I had an encounter with a well-meaning friend who chatted with me about the changes in my life, asked pointed questions, listened well, and then mindlessly said he was now adjusting his view of me. He actually made gestures with his hands going diagonally down from an invisible pedestal. I could only be thankful I was never actually on it.  Continue reading »

 Posted by at 5:13 pm
Aug 082015
 

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Weekends. When the rest of the world is out doing, I am home being.

I say a prayer upon rising then amble down to the kitchen to make my coffee concoction. I smile at all the jars of extra nutrition I put into it, amused at the potion it has become. More often than not a wistful memory surfaces around this ritual. I let it come. On other days, I am inclined to discipline myself about certain emotions that sometimes threaten to rule. But on weekends, we have the luxury of sitting together until I can send them gently on their way. Then I throw open the doors and windows, welcome air and light into my home, feeling every part of me finally waking up. I sit on the lanai chair that  gives me the best view of my garden and sip my morning elixir. Already I am in a space of gratitude for this home and life I am so very fortunate to have. I walk barefoot on the grass and stand in the middle of my space on this earth. I take in the ground beneath me, receive the sky above me and feel myself right at the center of their generosity. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 10:47 am