panjee

panjee

Oct 042017
 

“I Hope All is Well and Happy”

 

I wonder where they go —

all the words we do not

speak.

I feel their edges

sometimes,

seeking exit through

my center.

I breathe into them

lightly, softly

coaxing

them to ember.

 

10.03.2017

 

 

 Posted by at 12:17 pm
Sep 082017
 

 

It’s interesting what people say when you ask them what they look for in a life partner.  When we were younger, it seemed obvious: a good man (whatever that meant, but we all had rough ideas), decent if not above average looks, a stable job and a stab at success. But as we advance in years, it changes. A friend recently expressed her need for being taken care of at last. We were talking about age differences and how that has taken on new meaning now that we are all in our fifties. She has been a single mom and very successful in her career, so what she is looking for is someone to carry some of the burden for her. She doesn’t want to have to do most of the care-taking anymore. I get that and I do think it so important to identify what love looks like for us. Everyone has their own story, but so few of us actually have that internal conversation then we find ourselves flailing in our relationships because we don’t even know how we got there. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 4:41 pm
Sep 052017
 

 

The last few years have been an emotional rollercoaster ride–the kind that threw me in repetitive cycles of unexpected joy and sadness.  It was not a place I wanted to be, considering what I had already been through, yet there I was again. Despite the pain, I was thankful for the years of experience that created the fertile ground on which I could now stand: in sorrow, yes, but also in quiet strength. In it was the wisdom to ask: what do I need to learn? What is love asking of me? During that last plunge into grief, I knew I finally had to accept the inevitable because big lessons were bursting forth and I no longer wanted to deny them entry. Love was asking me to honor the promise I had made to myself–to spend time alone, free of romantic entanglement. There was work to do and my heart could no longer withstand the postponement. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 7:46 am
Jul 112017
 

 

A few messages I sent out recently were completely ignored. There was no acknowledgment, response, not even a friendly brush-off emoticon.

On one level this is simply rude, not to mention unkind, especially since these were not garden variety messages. One was a request for help around my children and the others I would categorize as heart questions or offerings. To behave as if they had not arrived at all I find appallingly cold-hearted. How difficult is it to type “Thank you and I hope all is well”, or if you don’t hope it, “Got it!”, or “Thanks for the thought.” There are a hundred ways to acknowledge a person who reaches out for one reason or another, emoticons included. If you receive a message you wish you hadn’t, at least make an effort to recognize the presence of the human being on the other side, especially if the message is personal. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 2:23 pm
Apr 272017
 

I have been away from this space for so long; each time I think of writing, I whip out my journal and do it there instead. It has been a season of intense self-reflection. All my public words went into hibernation. But I feel able enough to let my words reach out again and I hope they are of some use or solace to you.

This is not just me. I suspect we are all struggling over how our external reality has shifted. The world feels noisy, much of its sound more baffling than enlightening.  Nothing is the same. It takes more effort to find that quiet voice of sense and equanimity online. Part of me doesn’t want to add to the chatter, but I also know how important it is to quit telling myself I have nothing of value to add to the conversation, should others seek it. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 3:06 pm
Jun 182016
 

I’ve been fighting the rumblings of a cough. Then Orlando. Rain. My mind said workout, but my body said something else.

It is so like life to have you in a space of total lightness and optimism one moment and then test you a hundredfold the next, as if to say “Think you got it figured out? Well, let’s see how you fare with this….” Boom. So many dead and injured. So much hatred and pain.

Of course I want to dig my heels further into my optimism and hope for humanity, have my light burn ever more brightly so I can ray it forth with stars, rainbows, silly emoticons, superhuman love powers. Ever more brightly. Ever more brightly. But one can’t do that without pausing, gathering, recalibrating, feeling.

I needed quiet and stillness, tenderness, self-kindness. I gave myself time and space to breathe, lean, burrow. I let myself feel the pain, disappointment, shock, grief, sadness, terror–for the kind of world I brought my children into and the monumental task of birthing the kind of love we have never known before. And let myself feel my place in it. My possibilities in it. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 7:53 am
Jun 122016
 

What a beautiful morning for a walk. I almost rush outside to catch the sun’s kindest rays. As soon as I shut the gate behind me, I am lost in a flow of memories: of recent walks along cool, shady trails, blooming wild flowers, dogs frolicking on the beach, and the naked man running on the sand, seconds away from entering the frame of a young couple’s photo.  I see all the different landscapes I didn’t realize I had grown to love so much. I remember a window through which I always peeked–all kinds of white plates hanging on the dining room wall. I feel my hands inside my pockets, seeking warmth. I feel them lovingly held.

But I am no longer there. I take myself firmly back to the present, my legs beginning to sweat, my feet on hot pavement. At that moment, I summon appreciation for this place, my current home. I have been in a state of disappointment and restlessness, looking out into the world for some place else to live, then realize I am being shown it is not time for that yet. The universe has not moved with me on this intention; instead, obstacles–external and internal–keep presenting themselves. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 8:56 am
Jan 162016
 

pinkbikini

If you follow this blog, you already know that 2014 was a year of change and 2015, of reckoning. I spent the first half of this year creating the new spiritual body that would be home to all these now wonderful changes, but the road was full of unexpected twists and turns–an obstacle course of the inner life.

In January, I was glad to be alone and looking forward to what it would mean. Then all of a sudden I was thrust into a heaven I never could have imagined. Just as swiftly, I was pulled out and thrown into an abyss.  I plunged into a level of sadness I could not hold. I cried. Wrote and cried. Lived on Netflix and cried. Ate chips, bacon, dark chocolate (the last to assure myself I was still eating well). And cried. I gave myself that time because deep change often brings grief, which must express itself fully before the new can take hold.  I so wanted to get to that place and I knew it was important not to cut corners. So I let grief be.  Continue reading »

 Posted by at 9:16 am
Jan 022016
 

IMG_3287

It’s day 2 of 2016. Unlike many who met the day with spanking new outfits and freshly fluffed optimism, I spent day 1 in my pajamas, transitioning into the new year with a touch of internal friction. The night before was fitful at best; there were fireworks too close to my once idyllic and quiet home (yes, I’m one of the weirdos who enjoys meeting the New Year quietly). There was haze where once was clear, unsullied sky. I did not have a peaceful sleep and woke up feeling sluggish and unenthusiastic. The only bright thing ahead were my pink polka dot pajamas. So I stayed in them. All day.

Part of me kept playing back a voice from my childhood that said “if you stay in your pajamas, you will rot in them for all of 2016”, but I’ve reached a point in my life where I can hear it, wink at it, and get on with what I choose, despite its persistent looping. I was having a pajama kind of day and nothing would make me struggle against it. The boys were still away and I had the house to myself, so it was clear what I had to do.  Continue reading »

 Posted by at 5:29 pm
Oct 202015
 
"Down the Rabbit Hole" by Manbearpagan on DeviantArt

“Down the Rabbit Hole” by Manbearpagan on DeviantArt

During my recent foray into darkness, I took online courses with spiritual teachers whose work and contributions consistently stretch my perspective. Their wisdom and generosity put me back on track with my own practice. I was drawn to people who were on their own conscious journey and automatically detached from those who clouded my view. This was not a premeditated act where I thought of every person in my life and chose who I could continue to see, but there was a shift in me. If a name came up, I noticed myself reacting, sometimes rather strongly: yay or nay. I just went with it. Events showed me a different way. I dusted off particles that had dulled my shine. I came out of this time vibrating at a different frequency. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 10:13 am